the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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