her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
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Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
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The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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