took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
