My room smells like vodka and shame
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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