I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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