You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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