Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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