I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
