Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
