Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Randomize
