I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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