This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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