I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
