We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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