I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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