Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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