So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
