My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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