I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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