6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
