i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
