A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
