Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
