i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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