Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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