Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
