Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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