Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Boobs are out for the taking
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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