I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
