dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
