my phone needs a breathalizer
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
