Pappa wants mamma naked
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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