i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
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Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
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I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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