She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
