god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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