Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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