There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
