Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize