Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
