well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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