so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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