And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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