Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
my being single is dangerous.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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