yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
