Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
