i already hear my dad disowning me
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
