If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
