How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
