I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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