I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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