you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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