i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
