So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day