Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Randomize
