she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
time to smoke my breakfast
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
