i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Randomize
