i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
