sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
