If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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