If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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